WWE pulled out all the stops for the three hour Raw spectacular, including announcing the identity of the new writer responsible for such refreshing character concepts as Umaga and Cryme Tyme. A stunned audience learned that none other then “liberal” activists and former Ned Lamont toady Jane Hamsher had been writing story lines for the company for several months.

Insider’s claim that WWE management liked her “nuanced” take on race and gender in America. “She’s just really in touch with the American Id, you know?” one source said to this reporter in a phone interview. “I mean she produced, like, Natural Born killers and From Hell, like both were about the American mind, so you know she gets it.”

It should be noted that From Hell was set in 19th century London.

Hamsher’s centerpiece for the Raw extravaganza, a skit involving Cryme Tyme where a Bush impersonator comes to the ring and, among other things, refers to Secretary of State Rice as a “hot black bitch” was much lauded by higher ups, who wanted an edgier, more political feel to the show because, as our man on the inside puts it, “they think this is where the country is”. Our long time informant has in fact turned in his resignation to WWE, in part due to the direction the writing staff was taking.

During a phone call to our office he stated, “I can’t put my name on a product that’s so outragously racist. I’m done”.

WWE management on the other hand is elated with Hamsher’s work and the writer’s new direction. “Like, we’ve got a character based on Joe Lieberman, and he’s going to be in all these like extreme matches, but, and this is where you really, like, see how great Jane is, like he’s going to take all the blood from his opponent and make Matzos! Like, It’s edgy and original, and you know America is ready for it”.

Congratulations Jane!

So I’m watching Raw on Monday and Jim Ross, whom I listened to call wrestling matches since I realized there were wrestling matches to call, blurted out one of the most ridiculous, blasphemous, degenerate statements I’ve had the misfortune to hear. Good ‘ol J.R., who for me and so many others is the voice of professional wrestling, actually said to Jerry Lawler “Yes, she has cleavage King” referring to Melina Perez who was rightfully being worshiped by Lawler.

Cleavage? J.R. is confusing Melina with the waitress at T.G.I.Fridays, what J.R. blithely refers to as cleavage I call The Valley of the Gods. Calling the glory that is Melina’s bust line cleavage is like calling ode to Joy “muzak”, like calling the Unified Field Theory “math” or like calling J.R “Lawler’s play by play man”. It just doesn’t do justice to the reality, the grandeur or the beauty that I will admit now brings tears to my eyes whenever I see it.

Worse yet, J.R. dismissed the very idea of pausing to admire Melina’s beauty as if it was some waste of his time. Her beauty, not just her voluptuousness but her overall gorgeousness, is not some waste of time when contemplated. Is going to a museum to see the Mona Lisa a waste of time? Should we be as dismissive of a sunset? A rose? should we not all take time to revel in the glory of creation, the splendor that surrounds us? Would that not make it a better world?

Is J.R. getting too much soy milk in his diet?

One more for the road. It’s what we do here, titillate no pun intended, of course.

Wait a sec. You mean WWE hasn’t been able to stop YouTubers from posting their precious copyrighted material? Good news for the lazy webmaster, indeed.

Joss Whedon’s beloved Sci-Fi show, who’s reruns have long been a staple of Sci-Fi’s daytime programing, has been licensed to game development company Multiverse with the hopes of producing an on-line game by 2008. Sci-Fi wire breaks the news at their site, which has yet to cause the ecstatic fanboy rioting I’ve been braced for since I first read the reports. Either the Browncoats haven’t heard the news, or the announcement caused them to die right at their keyboards.

By now it’s well known that Big Show has left ECW at the end of his contract, confirming rumors that Show was unhappy with the direction of the promotion and was just biding his time until his contract was up. Some reporters also speculate that Show’s hectic schedule kept him from treating his many injuries properly, and that his relationship with recently released Paul Heyman made leaving ECW all the more attractive.

Rumor has it that a lot of WWE talent is envious of the less demanding work schedule at upstart TNA. MTV is also planning to run it’s own wrestling program head to head with ECW on Tuesday nights. The days of WWE being the only option for wrestlers to get out of the independents and actually make a living are over, and more options for talent being shuttled off to the RAW extension brands means more defections for the WWE in the future.

Or talent may try to get themselves fired, as is the case with Sabu. Many sites have been reporting on Sabu’s bad attitude and poor performance. Certainly the last match he had with RVD was some of the worst work ever filmed. The speculation is that he wants out of his contract, so his petulant child act is aimed at getting a release so he can move on.

My man on the inside, Rove, says not quite. WWE isn’t all that impressed with Sabu’s performance, and those close by think his poor performance and petulance is due to Sabu’s “extra curricular” activities. If Sabu asks, he can get his release, at least according to Rove.

Vince isn’t real happy with the ratings either, last week they drew a 1.8, respectable but not good enough in Vince’s eyes.

Vince thinks he can raise ratings by dumping old ECW standbys and making the show Smackdown extreme. The old talent’s going to be let go slowly, so ECW can keep its few remaining fans from abandoning the show altogether.

Rove said Barbie Blank didn’t seem to happy after her match with Ariel, neither did Ariel for that matter, and one of the two may be floating her resume around to get more modeling work in preperation for getting a release.

Francine made a brief appearance at a W.E.W event which according to many of the spammier wrestling news sites will be her last as she goes into semi-retirement.

You can still show Francine your a fan by going to her ebay page and getting yourself your own extreme memorabilia. She’s apparently making some pretty decent scratch selling her used clothing to “collectors”, or what we at E.O.S. call serial killers.

We’ll keep you updated on the Queen of extremes next project.