Kneeling in front of their blood spattered altars, hidden from sight in the ruins of once prosperous towns along the northeast seaboard, they chant blasphemous verses in secret rites intended to empower their living goddess. Hundreds of worshipers, from the cold wastes of Vermont, to the brick and steel urban blight of the New York/New Jersey megaplex, work tirelessly to bring to fruition “the great writhing,” that time when Kristina Laum will ascend to godhood and once again be known as Kimona Wanalaya.

(This photo was found at the scene of a grisly human sacrifice off route 280 on the NJ turnpike.)

Few know of the cult’s existence, and fewer still live to tell the tale of an encounter with the Kimonites. Their secret network is protected by unfettered access to the wealth of rich and powerful members as well as high ranking government officials. Many who run afoul of the cult must spend the remainder of their lives in hiding, always pursued by the blood thirsty acolytes of “the dread beauty” who demands the lives and souls of all men be forfeit to her. Such is the fate of the brave knights of Quest for Kimona, whose innocent search for knowledge has led to death threats and strange happenings.

The leader of the quest, known only as “The Founder,” will not reveal his identity, nor that of his associates, for fear of the dire consequences. But during my investigations into the cult, I have seen the herculean efforts they have made to ascertain the identity of “The Founder,” and worse still, the progress they have made. The brave souls participating in the Quest for Kimona should take precautions; flee I say for soon they will come for you!

The cult’s rituals are savage, brutal and would rob the sanity of weaker willed readers if I even described the sensuous sanguine horrors that even now are being performed in Kristina’s honor. These rites are soul wrenching obscenities that would disgust even the most jaded libertine. It is said that Kristina herself is unaware of the rites, but that her ghostly alter ego attends the ceremonies while Kristina sleeps!

(I was given this photo by a nebulous Kimona at one of the cult’s rites where they tried to initiate me into their perverse coven.)

I warn you readers, beware! The cult grows and it breeds horror of a cosmic scale. I infiltrated one of their festivals on Halloween, held at an abandoned church in Providence R.I., and was able to smuggle out pictures which I now, in the light of day, cannot in good conscience publish. They are obscene beyond belief, and I doubt any amount of cajoling comments (in our convenient comments section) could convince me to post these pictures of orgiastic cultists.

The day after the festival the building was gone! That is the scale of power involved.

Beware, and should you ever hear the chant “Ia Ia shub Kristina Ia Ia Kimona ftagn” then run I tell you, run and never look back.

I was never a big Rick Santorum supporter, which doesn’t bother Rick since I don’t live in his voting district, but lately I’ve had to tip my hat to the guy because he has really pulled out the stops. First he gives nerds everywhere half a husky with what may be the first ever attempt to explain U.S. foreign policy with a L.O.T.R. reference.

Now he goes for the ‘rassler fan vote in his new ad. Like I said, hard to support his pride in joining up with Clinton for a P.M.R.C style censor fest on video games, but you have to give it up for his teams creativity, and his willingness to embarrass himself for my entertainment. Behold the greatest political ad in history:

Tolkien, ‘rasslin if he’s a Tara Bush fan we’ll be B.F.F., or at least we’ll hang out tommorow at Chiller.

Hail Santorum!

Naked. Women. Wrestling. Featuring Carmen Electra! Enjoy.

Something tells me that if Santorum loses his seat, The Sci-Fi Channel will get a ratings bump while he and his staff figure out what to do next. I’m just hoping I catch him at Chiller Theater this year. Hot Air has the whole story of how the Senator outed himself as a Tolkien geek.

A lot of conservatives are coming down on the guy, but I say a man who can understand the universal genius of Tolkien and apply it to foreign policy is just what we need in Washington. Besides, how much more fanciful is a Tolkien based foreign policy then Jimmy Carter’s “Communist can be trusted” North Korean policy?

Internet market research mavens Comscore released a study that proves what most of us already know; dirty old men troll MySpace. Shocking.

Who would have thought that a gathering of teen girls would attract groups of much older men?

In other studies, the sky was proven to be blue and water is said to be “almost certainly” wet.