WWE creative has always been on the cutting edge of sports entertainment, and in this post-”attitude” era, they’ve once again challenged viewers with a new and unique vision sure to generate that all important “buzz” that helped the WWE set the standard for sports entertainment for over a decade.

Their new vision: Racism.

Racist images in wrestling are old hat, to be sure, but the WWE’s new spin (or some would say old spin) on the topic is said by insiders to be “fresh” and “timely.” ECW on Sci-Fi’s anonymous source, referred to only as “Rove,” has provided us with WWE creative’s plan to “freshen up” the ethnic characters to make them more appealing to the so-called blue state viewers, a demographic in steady decline since the mid 1990s.

Some key memos were leaked to us over the course of months by our man inside, from which we were able to piece together WWE’s five step plan to manufacture a controversy, I mean, freshen things up.

1. Total revamp of all African-American stars. The introduction of Cryme Tyme will usher in, as one memo puts it, “a new era of blackness” which will counteract what insiders have been referring to as the “Cena effect.” Well-spoken Blacks are out, thus the shelving of Diva contest winner Layla El until she learns to speak English “more like a real Black person.” Also, King Booker will be portrayed as of either Welsh or Scottish descent.
2. Shelton Benjamin will no longer wrestle, but will travel from stadium to stadium, demanding affirmative action be implemented in WWE matches. These announcements will only be made at predominantly white venues, such as Montreal, so that the three minorities in attendance can feel really uncomfortable.
3. Melina’s relationship with Johnny Nitro will change from devoted valet to gold-digging, faithless girlfriend. According to “Rove,” certain writers are of the belief that “hot Latinas don’t just date white guys for nothing” and have already had announcers comment on her love of the gold. “Rove” believes this to be a reflection of a certain writers being rejected by several exotic dancers in Tijuana.
4. Umaga is just the first of an entire tribe of wild Samoans that will be introduced. “Rove” revealed to this blogger that several WWE writers argued Samoans were closer to whale then Humans genetically. This raucous meeting ended with all involved agreeing to disagree.
5. Cryme Tyme will continue their crime spree vignettes in the ring, “mugging” white wrestlers in impromptu matches. “Rove” reports that when asked why only white wrestlers would be attacked, the writer responsible laughed, “What? Like you’ve ever seen a black guy get mugged!”

In the coming weeks, “Rove” will be exposing more of the inner workings of the WWE creative staff, so take note Indy promoters, using the tried and true WWE formula you just might be able to hold your head up with the same kind of pride “Rove” does.

Until then, check out some of these other “how to” guides at the Problogger Group Writing Project.